Sometimes while reading books and blogs about FASD I feel thankful that my kids don't seem 'that bad'. The last two weeks have slammed me back to the reality of kids with FASD - and that seems to be - don't get too comfortable - things will change up any minute.



In the last two weeks second grade has become overwhelming for Tony. Overwhelming for Tony = meltdown. Not fun. While we are getting used to how to handle these meltdowns and rages at home, it is a whole other world when it happens at school. At home we can send him to him to his room where he roars, screams and kicks things for awhile then plays with Legos and calms down. Unfortunately the school is not good with that kind of tantrum in a large size second grader. 3X the principal felt that he needed to 'hold' Tony to keep him from hurting himself, someone else or in one case 'kicking out a window'. Fun times. I am thankful that the petite woman that used to be the principal has retired and now there is a younger stronger man.



When we did his IEP we didn't do a BIP (Behavior Intervention Plan) because his behavior has never been a problem. Not anymore. What I have learned over the last couple weeks is . . sleep is very important. When he gets frustrated he will rage if it is handled incorrectly. If he is tired, he will get frustrated more easily. Now it would be simple for the parent of a normal kid to solve this problem. Put him to bed early and on time. HA, I say. This kid runs at twice the normal speed all day and has a hard time falling asleep at night. And when he is sleeping - I don't think he gets the deep sleep he needs. We were giving him mel*atonin at night and it seemed to help but when the rages at school continued we stopped them - in case they were part of the problem. There hasn't been a rage at school since stopping them - but we have tried some other interventions at the same time. So, it is hard to say what made the difference. I think it was the interventions.

Wednesday when I picked him up at 2:00 (AFTER he had been raging for 2 hours) I came home and called every single child psychiatrist in the book until I found one that was taking patients. We (Soo) has been making these calls for a few weeks with NO success. Every one that has been recommended has either retired, doesn't work with FASD kids or isn't taking new patients. I finally found someone - 20 miles from home and he can see Tony in 6 weeks. 6 weeks! We put our number on the list to call if someone cancels and we will drop everything.

Now on to child number two with FASD. . . She has been almost a week with NO peeing in the pants. YAY!! She can do it. unless there is anything emotional - I gave the kids Valentine bags today from the birth mom - and she sat right in front of me playing with stuff and peed in her pants. She does not get in trouble for peeing in her pants - she does get in trouble for peeing in her pants and then sitting in it and not changing clothes. I noticed that she had sat up on her knees in order to NOT sit in the wet spot on the cloth chair and asked if she need to go to the bathroom. She said No., without looking up. I then said . . Are you wet? a mumbled yes. Great. It might be an interesting day.

Child number three - not diagnosed . . yet. He has been a handful lately. Not hungry at dinner time - hungry three minutes after the table is cleared, poking at his sister until she cries and just all around fiesty . Time outs seem to snap him out of it. Of course every time out takes 20 minutes of putting him back in place just to do 4 minutes of time out.

oh . . and while all this fun is going on inside the house . . the idiot dog has learned that she can jump the fence. She doesn't run off like the Lab's did, she just wanders around the neighbors yard. The neighbor, however, is very anti dog. and has been having a fit every time she sees tracks in the yard. It isn't pee or poop that bothers her . . just the very presence of the dog in her yard.

My oldest is playing in a hockey tournament this weekend. We are hoping to drag everyone to at least one of the games. Fortunately, the games are in one of the rinks that is warm.

It's been a really long time since my last post, if anyone has still been checking in - I'm sorry for not posting. And I can't promise that I'll be any better in the future. I was in a long arm cast (past the elbow - arm bent) from late October to a wrist brace in late Dec. so typing has been impossible, painful and now uncomfortable. That is my only excuse for not posting.

Since my last post, Tony and Anna have both been evaluated and diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. It wasn't a surprise but it was still a blow to see it on paper. Andy hasn't been evaluated yet. We continue to be in denial that he has been affected - but there is no reason to believe that he hasn't. After his pre-K testing we can send that info on to the evaluator and get the physical evaluation and they can diagnose from that.

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on to better understand my kids brains. Most of it scares me. Soo and I handle most of life with humour and this isn't any different. Most of our jokes are about never being able to retire, never having an empty nest and having to raise our grandbabies. If we didn't laugh we would cry. Hopefully we will laugh about these fears in 15-20 years.

We were able to get Tony an IEP (Individual Education Plan) and he is in Special Ed. 1/2 of his school day now. At the IEP meeting we spent much of the time telling the teachers about FASD and as much about of Tony's deficits as possible to help them teach him. They admitted to not knowing much at all about how FASD effect the brain. I think this is just the beginning of our journey to educate everyone that teaches our kids.

Anna is peeing in her pants a couple times a week. I think she just doesn't feel the need to go until the feeling is very very intense and then it is too late to get to the bathroom. I wish she would tell us that she went or would go and change when it happens because the sitting on the couch in pee pants really puts me over the edge. It's possible she doesn't feel that either. . .sigh. And don't get me started on her attitude. Seriously, her disabilities would be much better to handle without her rolling eyes and smart mouth. It is like living with a teenager and she is only 5.

Andy has decided that washing his hands is really too much work, so he often doesn't go to the bathroom until it is too late . . just to avoid the hassle of washing his hands. If I offer to lift the seat and flush for him so he doesn't have to touch anything, he will go willingly but otherwise he insists that he doesn't have to go. Then two or three minutes later tells us that he peed a 'little' bit in his pants. I have been trying to photograph the position he puts his little body into while he is trying not go. It is hysterical - his butt sticking out and him bent in half at the waist all the while telling us he doesn't need to go.

Once, someone in my past said to me that having kids was all about pee, poo and puke and I was somewhat offended. But lately it seems like she might have been correct. Fortunately the poop and puke are not as common.

I rarely talk/blog about my oldest son. He is normal and his activities might be more blog-worthy if I could be more present for them. I hardly am able to attend his hockey games because taking the other kids is nearly impossible. Mostly Soo goes and the two of them fill me in on all the details that I missed. I don't like it but when we take all the kids I don't get to watch the game at all because of the attention I need to pay to them. This way at least one of us can be present for him. Same story for band and choir concerts - although those are easier to catch on video. Doody seems to take it in stride and understand and both Soo and his Dad are there for him and that seems to be enough for now.

(a not so) short update

Life gets busy with four kids . . . sorry.

We did get our letter from the county saying they "didn't think we needed their services at this time." Which is a weird way of saying nothing is going to happen from the spanking incident. It doesn't say they believed us or didn't, or anything of the sort. Just that we don't need their services at this time. Thanks ~ eyeroll

The kids are all out of school. We have started counting the days until they go BACK to school. Heh.

We ran into their former foster/pre-adoptive mom at the Pride festival. We knew that was a possibility but thought it was a remote one. We were wrong. It went well though. The kids were very unaffected by it. There were no negative side effects - we just saw her and that was that. They just said in the car on the way home how nice it was to see her. Former foster mom is a friend of birth mom and mentioned that birth mom is pregnant again - that is not a good thing. She has a bad track record so far - 3 out out 3 removed from her care. Her my*space page indicates that she has moved two states away from us, so we can't even call the county to have them follow up on this. Very distressing

In May/June, we did a 10 day intensive attachment therapy with Tony. It seems to have gone very well with him. It involved teling claiming narrative to recreate his early years and some biofeedback and EMDR therapy. We were very impressed with the center we went to. His tantrums are few and far between. He is currently doing a 3 hour group session/play group to develop social skills and that is going very well for him.

We are finishing up paperwork to have Tony and Anna evaluated for FASD. Of course the paperwork is daunting and has taken over a month to complete and compile. We are taking them to the local university as they have the best program for evaluating FASD. We think that birth mom drank and did drugs with all three based on her history and court documents. but she never would admit to it.

Both our dogs died in June. They got out the back gate and found their way over to the nearby highway 2 blocks away. Two black labs on a dark highway - they didn't have a chance. We didn't even know they were gone. Bedtime at our house is very crazy and I thought they were upstairs and Soo thought they were down. At 4am when the cat woke us up we realized they were missing. A sheriffs deputy had come by the house to notify us at 2am but didn't think waking the house for such bad news was necessary. I am glad he didn't. We called the despatch and got the bad news. This way we were able to absorb the shock before waking the kids to get them ready for school. Soo and I went and picked them up from the highway shoulder and took them to the vet to be cremated. We arranged to have their asshes returned to us and the two girls have a nice resting place together in the backyard. We had our pastor come over and we had a little funeral and laid them to rest.

Here they are . . .


Of course after a week without them the house was - believe it or not - too quiet and we got a new dog. sigh. A 5 month (now 6 month) old sheppard mix we have named Lucky. Lucky is very smart . . here she is opening the back door.

Jinx

I must have jinxed myself with that last post . . saying things had calmed down. heh.

A couple days after that post Anna decided to tell someone at preschool that the bruise on her butt (from sledding) was from Momma (Me) spanking her. So we spent an hour and 1/2 talking to Social Services and a deputy. I think the little swat I gave her when she stopped to stare at the TV instead of going to the bathroom made her so angry that it turned into a spanking. Her language skills are delayed and we have some concerns about her cognitive abilities. But I think this was about her being angry at me.

Another frustrating point about the whole thing was that the bruise happened at the very school that reported 'me' and she fell on the ice in front of the PCA (personal care attendant) that seems to have reported me. Hrmph says I. My biggest mistake in the whole situation was not calling the school the day after the bruise appeared to get an accident report. They did write one after the fact - but what a pain the ass (heh) this whole thing has been.

The kids are not foster kids anymore but I have gotten a taste (bitter) of the treatment that foster parents go through from the very social workers that were allies the day before the accusation. The kids former worker has continued to exchange emails with me about various things since the adoption but since my email to her about the accusations? I haven't heard a word. NOT one. Unbelievable. Not even a "I hope this gets resolved soon" Nothing.

For almost a month now . . we haven't heard a thing. I called the school to let them know that another kids' mom had helped Anna when she fell and could they please confirm with that Mom and let the deputy know . . and thats when I found out that the PCA also saw her fall. I then called the deputy and let him know all this. Since then . . . nothing. No calls ~ no nothing. We called the social worker assigned to case and found out when they are done with the investigation they will send a letter. A letter. . . that is all we get. oh , and a file and a new history at social services. heh.

Life just moves along . . Either my life has calmed done or the crazy things that happen everyday are so normal that I don't even think about blogging about them. The days, weeks and months fly by. I thought they went by fast before 4 kids. Now it is a complete blur.

Here is an update.

Doody is finishing up the hockey season. thank god. He is too busy while the season is going. I think practice and/or games 3-4 days a week is too much for a 4th grader (and his parents). His team hasn't won a game but I think all the kids have learned a lot and improved their basic skills . . and that is good at this age. He has lost a bit of weight and gained muscle this winter and is starting to act and look much more like a pre-teen than a 10yo.

Tony continues to be a pain in our butts. He alternates between a happy funny kid one minute to an angry screaming tantruming kid the next. RAD, FASD whoknows maybe just pain grief, loss and a dash of ADHD thrown in. We put him on meds for awhile. His teacher and others at school reported that he was more emotional and more talkative. We tried a different medicine and he became so depressed and out of control we ended up calling the crisis intervention line. So, we stopped the meds. We are currently completing a stack of paper work to get him (and us) into a two week intensive attachment therapy program. We have heard good things about the work at the center and are hopeful.

I can finally say that Anna is officially potty trained. Her only accidents are when she plays too long and loses a little as she runs to the bathroom. Pretty normal 4yo stuff. We were able to enroll her in all day kindergarten for next year. We still have to come up with the $3K needed for that, but it will show up somewhere. These things have a way of working out. We are concerned about her starting kindergarten. She talks all the time now, but her grammar is worse than Andy's and many kids don't understand her. She has a long way to go developmentally. We were talking the other night about how we both thought that once she started to talk we would see a wonderfully smart and funny little personality emerge. She is funny at times, but mostly she is very bossy (bitchy really) and really not very smart. Definitely missing some things that 4 year olds should be getting. Now that she is better able to express herself verbally we can move forward with some testing. She has begun to tantrum in the ways that Tony does. Just screaming thought and if she was coordinated enough she would probably throw things. But when she is really wound up she is even less coordinated than usual. I think she will be wearing some sort of pull-up or diaper nightly well into her childhood. She is a very sound sleeper and at least once a week overflows what she has on. Despite our attempts to limit her fluid intake at night. Lots of work to parent this girl child.

The contrast between her development and Andys is stark. St. Claus brought Andy some big boy underwear and we are now moving into March and he is done potty training. Completely done. He wakes up at night to go when necessary and hasn't had an accident in a few days. He is easy to understand and talks ALL the time. He is very smart and is counting and reciting the alphabet. All things that still seem difficult for his older sister.

I wish we knew more about what the kids were exposed to in utero. Not that is would change anything now, but it would be nice to know. We found their birth mom on a popular social networking site. It is a little peek into the world the kids came from. A crazy crazy world.

So yesterday Tony says to me "How many more weeks of Christmas is there?"

I say "huh?!"

He repeats "How many more weeks of Christmas is there??"

"Tony - Christmas is over. We won't have another Christmas until the end of the year - 10 months from now." Do you know how long a month is?" - says me

"Yes! We have lived here for a month!" - says he.

"No, You have lived here for 14 months." says me.

"Oh. But how many more weeks of Christmas is there!?" - He is clearly exasperated with me now.

"Tony - I don't know what you are talking about." - Me - feeling equally exasperated with this conversation.

"My teacher said that yesterday the beaver came out of its hole looked around for something and then we would know how many more weeks of Christmas."

We are official

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. Most importantly, we finalized the kids adoption! Yay.


Here is a picture now that they are legally ours, you all (and by all - I mean the 2 or 3 people that read this blog) can see them!

I am relieved to have the legal stuff over. While I knew logically that they weren't going anywhere, the emotional and not-so-logical part of my mind was afraid that something would go wrong. I think Tony was having those same fears and his behavior is much improved since we finalized.

Here are the kids at the Happy Adoption party . . .

Doody is too cool to be silly for the picture.

We filled the courtroom for the hearing. Often judges do finalization in chambers but we had too many people there to even consider it. My extended family was almost entirely there. The only missing person was my oldest sister who stayed home in Illinois with a 102 fever. Soo's Mom was there, the kids former foster family was there and a few of our neighbors and kids were also there.

It was a very good day. Two days after Christmas made it the very best Christmas present ever.